Georges Bataille
Not fun!
Waking up is not always a lot of fun! That is what I am discovering as I stumble through this process. As we wake up to the reality of who we are, we gradually shed the layers of what we are not, one level at a time.
Debridement, as it is called in the nursing world, is often times a painful process. It is painful to lose the things we once identified as 'self'. You too may look down as I did when I left the full time job I loved in 2011 because of illness and say, "Oh my...there goes another layer of my flesh! Ouch!"
A certain vulnerability arises with this shedding of the familiar, as hidden parts of self become exposed for the first time. The tissue is raw and tender. Ego is confused and reactive!
We breathe and meditate our way through it. It may take years to find a certain healing at this level. Once we accept that the layer is gone and the new skin underneath begins to granulate and heal we may slip into a type of pseudo relief. It "stings" less and we feel the benefit of being free of this layer. We feel less constrained and restricted. Our outer forms do not feel so tight anymore. "Awe!!!" We sigh, "I am here!'
An assumption is sometimes formed when we reach this point that we have finally transcended the layers of ego! We are healed! We have awakened!
Wrong!
If you are like me when I got to this point, you may feel the less than gentle tearing away of another layer of ego as an even more tender and reactive layer is exposed to the air. A place that was hidden from conscious view by ego thoughts, years of positive affirmations and superficial thinking is now open for you to see. Yuck!
What we are shedding layer by layer
In the first layer we shed we let go of, often reluctantly, a lot of the things we identified with in the physical world: maybe a job, a certain bodily functioning, a reputation, money, group identity and superficial thinking. By superficial thinking I am referring to all the things we told ourselves to make us feel better on that level.
Sure we have some positive, life affirming thoughts, some echoes of affirmations we repeated in the mirror over and over again and some learning that was definitely beneficial within the ego's top layer. All these things are in the conscious part of our mind and have positively influenced our lives to some degree. They do not, however, have as much power over our lives as the psyche lesions that lay beneath the second surface.
Once the conscious layer is pulled away...we experience pain, reactivity and chaos in our lives once again and this time it is even more intense. Why? Because now we have the sub conscious belief core exposed. We catch ego standing in his undies.
Facing What We Really Believe
You may be shocked at this level to see what you really believe when you look out at the world, others or self without the cushioning of external thinking. Affirmations don't cut it at this level. Your ego reality is here.
I found myself looking out through these new eyes that were clearer and not liking what I saw. I saw that my beliefs were different than my thoughts! I really do not trust the world to provide for me, no matter how I fooled my conscious mind otherwise. That is why I spent my life doing to the point of pathology.
I do not trust people. I suddenly saw ego in everyone, not just myself. I found myself questioning how people could actually "care" when we can't even see beyond our ego needs. I saw that people didn't trust me or each other either.
Then there was this mirror effect thing happening with me. Every not so nice behaviour I witnessed in another person ...I recalled when I did the same or at least thought of doing the same to another being. I actually seemed to feel the pain I caused or could have caused other people or other living things. It was overwhelming. I couldn't relieve that pain by judging, projecting, blaming others for their behaviours as ego encourages us to do, anymore. Their behaviour was suddenly my behaviour. And vice versa.
My deep seated unworthiness was exposed. I realized how I truly did not believe I deserved the good things in life. That shocked me..."How can I be that pathetic and not know it!" I said to myself. I looked around me and seen that this sense of unworthiness for all the abundance life has to offer was not just in me. It seemed to be everywhere. Beneath the superficial proclamations and claims of ownership, few people feel worthy. It made me sad!
As ego was no longer acting as my confidence, I found myself shy and awkward again around people. I felt I had no value to others. I was not understood. I was not seen. I wasn't functional enough for this functional world. I no longer felt I belonged in certain groups. I no longer wanted to belong in certain groups because it was too awkward. Egos, I realized as I looked about me, could only relate to other egos. Without my ego value, what was I to other people?
I also could no longer run from the emotions I had stuffed because they were now right there in front of me. I had to deal with the many memories I had supressed just so I could get by in ego's superficial world throughout my life. There was no more running away...my ego is tattered and torn and now offers flimsy protection. I thought I felt raw with the debridement of the first layer. With the second layer gone there was nothing to hide behind anymore. Ego was exposed completely...and like a cornered beast it had no choice but to fight back.
The Chaos of Ego Exposure
Now that ego was exposed and bleeding at the deepest level...I got to see just how infected everything really was. All this infection was hidden for decades beneath the layers ego provided. It was making me sick, blocking my life energy and preventing me from feeling peace but I couldn't see it until the surface layers were removed. Ego likes to do its work sublimely, under the surface...unseen etc. It could no longer do that.
Ego is not happy being exposed like this! It has nothing to hide behind anymore. It has no way of tricking us and fooling us away from spirit anymore. And like the purulent drainage on most infected lesions once the old tissue is removed, ego will drain away. Ego is draining away and that is what I am feeling. It is resisting big time. It is trying to cling so it doesn't drain completely away.
Right now things feel chaotic. Physically I feel unwell ...possibly worse than ever. Emotionally I am a mess as I am forced to deal with the stuff I repressed. I have no idea how to balance myself between the physical world and the spiritual but there is no going back. I have no idea how to do this awakening thing lol.
Sometimes I feel like I am cracking up. I just want to run away and hide somewhere . Really! I wonder if this is the point of awakening where some people decide to join cloistered convents, or monastic traditions. It seriously has even crossed my mind. Part of me wants to hide away from this physical world and all its demands. I just want peace and quiet.
Then I remind myself of something I know in my core. This is simply a stage of the healing I asked for. If I want to live in spirit, live in peace free of ego's claims on my mind...I have to remove layer after layer to get to the source of the problems so I can truly be healed. I am healing!
Dig Deep!
The issue that prevents absolute wellness for most of us is deeply rooted in our subconscious minds. We often have beliefs in there we are not even aware of. We have unresolved conflict, emotions and memories that can not be released unless we expose them and do the work of processing through them. We need to expect that we have to remove layers in order to get to them.
Sure it is a painful process but surface healing is not healing. In order to get life to flow freely through us so we experience the peace and the wellness that are our birthrights we need to dig deep to get to the source of the problem. We want the damns to be removed, the negativity to be released. Don't we?
Maybe we need to suffer a little bit so that can happen.
A momentary sting is worth a lifetime of wellness, peace and abundance... isn't it?
A Book to Help
If you are experiencing some chaos in your own life Steve Taylor has a wonderful book that may help better explain that this is a normal stage in the Awakening process. I just finished it and it has cleared up some of my confusion. At least now I know I am not completely bonkers lol. I am just letting loose some "anguished poetry" on my way to where I want to be. You may be doing the same. :)
Taylor, Steve. (2016) The Leap. The New World Library
All is well in my world.
No comments:
Post a Comment